How We Came to Know Mona

After introducing you to our dear friend Mona..."The Other Woman"...aka Keith's GPS, I thought I might share how she came to be part of our lives. As with most things in my world, it involves a little story...

As long as I have known Keith, he has wanted a Garmin GPS system but would never pull the trigger as the one he wanted was, in his words, overpriced. To his delight, this past Thanksgiving, they went on sale...and it was a really goooooood sale. The only drawback, the offer was good only while supplies lasted and of course they would be the spotlighted item for the Day After Thanksgiving sale.



Anyone who really knows me is well aware that I HATE shopping on this day. I will not venture toward a mall if my life depended on it. And you can TOTALLY rule out a trip to Wally World. I cringe at the thought of darkening their doors on a regular day, much less this Day. From. Shopping. Hell! But I couldn't resist the idea of granting one of my man's wishes. So as everyone was going to sleep on Thanksgiving night, I claimed to suffer from insomnia and stayed up to "watch TV" so I could sleep on the couch and sneak out for some early shopping. After everyone was asleep, I proceeded to set my phone alarm for 4-freakin'-a.m. and the stage was set for operation "Surprise My Guy".

If you have yet to brave the throngs of morons (me included) who attempt to even enter the parking lot of Walmart on this day, I offer one word of warning....DON'T!



Oh. My. GOSH! A sea of people like you've never seen before! Trying to play it smart, I went straight to the first sales associate I spotted upon entering the door and asked where I could find the deal of the day. I was directed to electronics. Duh! After a 20 minute search of the area, 5 minute search time...15minutes clawing my way through arms, legs and buggy wheels, I realized you had to stand in the check-out line for that department and they would retrieve one for you. Did I mention the line snaked through every aisle in the electronics department and continued into the automotive section? Yep, it took another 10 minutes just to find the end of the line. And it wasn't a speedy line...NOPE...we moved at the speed of ice cream melting on a frozen pond in the dead of winter.

I kept asking if anyone was trying to purchase the Garmin GPS and I found it odd that no one was. But I was determined to not lose my place in line and I continued to wait. And wait I did. Minute after horrendous minute. I just kept shuffling from one foot to the other berating myself for being such a nice, giving girlfriend. Why, oh why, couldn't I be one of those mean-ol'-bossy-won't-do-anything-for-you girlfriends? Eventually, I broke. I left the line in search of more help. Back to the front of the store I went and I'm ever so glad I did. I had been misdirected previously as the GPS systems were a "special" item and were located in the lay-away department. Oh Buggers! Another super long line!

Always wanting to make the best of any painful situation, I tried to make nice with my fellow shoppers. You know me...gotta talk...why not to total strangers? Ummmm, not such friendly people shopping in the wee morning hours. Couldn't strike up a conversation with anyone. I debated talking to myself. And I didn't really worry about being singled out. NO ONE cared enough to pay me any attention! No "How are you today?", "What price-busting deal brings you out at such an early hour?", "Are those really pajama pants you're wearing?", "Hey. Lady. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" Nope! Not a single word came my way. So I carried on conversations with myself...in my head...just in case someone really was watching.

When I finally got to the front of the line, the sales clerk asked what I wanted to purchase. I flashed her a big ol' smile and answered her question. Hey, she was actually talking to me. Never mind the fact she was being paid to do so. She then asked me how many I would like. I started to answer only one and then I paused to think. If I was going to go to so much trouble to get this baby, maybe I should get more than one. Could make great gifts, I might actually want one...who knew. So I answered "I'll take 3 please." I paid. And then I left.

I was gone a total of 3 and half hours for what should have been, under normal conditions, a 30 minute shopping trip. I let myself ever-so-quietly back in the house and..........waited. Keith is one really late sleeper. And I was one super excited chickie. I could not WAIT for him to get up and discover what I had done for him. So I turned on the TV and fought the urge to wake him up.

After several episodes of mindless TiVo'ed shows later, Keith finally came down and discovered his surprise. Of course he loved it and I was quickly named girlfriend of the year! Little did I know the monster I had created.

Every...single...time we climbed in the car, Keith had to turn on his new toy. Even a trip to the corner convenience store had to be mapped out. I was hearing the "little lady in the box" in my sleep. I quickly dubbed her "The Other Woman". No talking in the car for fear we would miss a turn. Never mind the fact Keith drove these roads on a daily basis. He loved her so much...he named her Mona.

But the honeymoon is over. Keith no longer totally trusts her. Even before the Dairy Queen debacle, Keith returned to his former belief that a female could never have a better sense of direction that a man. Guess that's why that testosterone-laden sense of direction took us 2 hours out of our way when returning from the beach last month.

MEN!!!! Can't travel with 'em. Can't live without 'em.

I'm So Not Into Golf...Or At Least I Didn't Used To Be

Here I sit. Alone and doing what you ask? Catching up on a little TV time. But here in lies a shocker. My boob tube is tuned to...GOLF! huh??? Yep, I am hooked on the Masters tournament today. And what a tournament it is. I have been holding my breath while anxiously perched on the edge of my seat as Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson have made this one heck of a race. I won't bore you with the details, because normally...I would have tuned you out after reading this title. I would have scanned your first few words to see if it was some sort of belated April Fool's post and upon realizing you were serious...ehhh...I would have moved on. But please be kinder to me than I just admitted I would be to you. lol! I promise not to belabor the specifics of my TV folly for the day. Cross my heart and...well, I really don't care to "hope to die", but you get my point.

I will, however, let you in on my comings and goings over the past few days and it does involve golf. Keith was able to score a couple of tickets to the Masters tournament for Thursday. Assuming most of you would not know this, I must inform you the tickets are extremely hard to come by. When he told me of his windfall and requested I go with him I had to take a breath, count to ten and then respond. I am not really a golf fan. I've been to the Masters in my past life and found it to be, shall I say, boring. The crowds are so large, nabbing a spot with a good view is a challenge. I considered it a "waste" of a vacation day to stare at the back of a multitude of avid golf fans volleying for a better view of grown men chasing a tiny white ball on a what-I-must-admit BEAUTIFUL sea of green. But he is my guy and for him I would do most anything.

Keith drove to Asheville on Wednesday night and we headed out early Thursday morning on the 3-1/2 hour drive to Augusta. But Keith was a bundle of nerves the entire...and I DO mean ENTIRE...trip. Not sure of what I had done, I was confused by his behavior. I had been a good girl and was ready to leave on time...not that I am EVER late...no sirree. But my happy-go-lucky guy was a grumpy puss. He was either on the phone or carrying on one-sided conversations with himself regarding his interpretation of the inaccuracies of his GPS. He usually LOVES that little lady in the box...so much so that I've labeled her "the other woman". But he had no love for her that day. In fact, he may have even called her a few names from time to time. All because she directed him to take a few two lane roads. Being from Atlanta, if you can't drive 90 mph then what's the point. This would be the view from my seat as we moved slowly down the highway. Ignore the dirty windshield. This car has spent many hours accumulating an enormous bug collection that would cause any 5th grade science teacher to squeal with delight.

Not a fan of slow moving trucks and never one to pleasantly follow, Keith was beside himself. Rather than enjoy the journey and partake in amorous conversation with the girl of his dreams (that would be me) , this is what he chose to do.


I just realized you can't tell from this pic, but he is On! The! Phone! So... this would be me.

I look oh-so-happy, now don't I? Despite Keith's lack of faith, "the other woman" did get us to our destination exactly when she said she would. But remember how I say life can sometimes have a wicked sense of humor? Well, life was havin' himself a good ol' belly laugh that day. We had to make a quick stop to pick up our passes and wouldn't you know, the contractor who had offered the passes to Keith had just given one of them away...even though a confirmation call had been made the day before. Keith just sat there expelling this string of chuckles that others would most likely interpret as a jovial expression, but I knew better. Because the contractor was one of his customers, he couldn't actually say "What the H...! You ^&#*ing Moron" So he just smiled...and laughed. To make a very long story short, his customer took us to lunch, made numerous phone calls and was able to get us another pass. Whew! With tummies full of tasty shrimp and tickets in hand, we made our way to the course.

The weather was beautiful. The crowd was amiable. The course was spectacular. And the golfing...was actually great! I only got rooted out of my viewing spot once and it was by a very large and heavily-southern-accented woman. I started to write "lady", but she was no southern belle. I laughed it off, but if she had messed with me again, I would have planted my over-sized foot in her excessively pompous fanny! Otherwise, everyone was friendly and willing to shuffle in order to allow a good view for all. I found it to be a most enjoyable day. As for Keith? Once we were inside the gates, he lost his crabby attitude and returned to the guy I know and love.

So there you have it. The start of my Easter holiday. It continued to be a fantastic weekend. Lots of family time, some hard work around the house, way too much food and a wonderful church service today. I sincerely hope you all had a very happy Easter filled with much love and laughter.

P.S. Tiger and Mickelson fell out of the running on the 18th hole, but the tournament ended in a 3-way sudden death play-off. Now you've gotta admit, that makes for some goo-oo-ood TV watchin'!

Gold Star? I Don't Think So...

Just poppin' in to share a little story about my guy. A few of you have been following along the past few months as I try to figure out this wonderful little thing called blogging. So you will probably remember THIS post that gave a glimpse as to how well Keith is coping as a single dad. He certainly earned a star in his crown for that one. Now it's time to offer up another peek into what it is like for a single man to be thrust into full-time daddy mode with no warning. This one may actually cost him that star!

The conversation went something like this:

Keith: Hey babe, I've been giving Morgan that awesome multi-grain toast for breakfast just like you suggested. The little rat loves it so much, she asked for a second piece this morning.

Me: Oh yeah! Two pieces, huh? I thought she would like it.

Keith: I wouldn't let her have another piece since we are trying to eat healthier. She needs to eat something other than just bread.

Me: (a bit bewildered but amazed that he seemed to be on the nutrionally sound bandwagon) The bread probably wouldn't hurt her. It's loaded with fiber and even has some protein.

Keith: Oh. (insert pause) Well, I made her eat a Pop Tart instead.

Me: (gasp and double gasp) The only hint of nutritional value in a Pop Tart is the fruit filling and even THAT is mostly sugar!

Keith: Then I guess it's a good thing I gave her the chocolate one!

I don't think Morgan really cares that her dad is a nutritionally challenged dolt! She loves him all the same.

P.S. There must be a thing with us when it comes to Pop Tarts. I'll just blame Keith for my recent fascination with this nutritional wasteland of a treat. It's always nice when you don't have to take responsiblity for your own actions...lol!!! Happy Hump Day!

The Winner Is...

Jocelyn!!! If you will please send me your mailing address, I will be happy to forward the stamp & paper kit to you!

You guys are AMAZING for playing along with me!!! Seriously!!! I was touched that so many of you would be willing to open up as you did. Of course I did give you the freedom to make things up if you had so chosen, but for some reason, I feel everyone was honest. Isn't it crazy how we as women have so much pressure to be "perfect"?

I know men have their own issues to deal with but after this weekend, I am more sure than ever most of them could not begin to conquer those mathematical gymnastics I mentioned. Let me play it out for you...

Keith: (knowing I have given up sugar for lent) You are gonna love me or hate me! (while smacking his lips) I bought two pieces of chocolate pie for us!

Me: (smiling through clenched teeth) Honey, you know I. Can't. Have. That.

Keith: (with as much sincerity as any human can have) I was afraid of that so I got you some fruit...fig newtons.

The man honestly had no idea fig newtons have sugar!!!

Happy Monday everyone!!!

A Man in a Woman's World

I just have to give my man kudos for what he did last night. The boy/man had to do something no boy/man should have to do...he attended a "coming of age" class with his daughter, Morgan. Since becoming a full-time dad, with no notice mind you, over a year ago, he has continually amazed me at how well he has adjusted to juggling the many hats single parents must wear. But this hat...let's just say he would have given anything to place it right on my estrogen laden head. Although Morgan attended a maturation class at school, an additional, more thorough, class was being held in the evening so parents could attend with their adolescents. Oh how he moaned and groaned about going, yet he knew how important it was that he attend. Not so much for Morgan's sake, but for his own. So he sucked it up and went to what he called "Tampon Training".

Mind you, he has been witness to the shifting and surging hormones in women, yet he would not be what we call an expert on the subject. To Keith's credit I must tell you he is extremely compassionate and caring. He offers foot rubs, back rubs and stocks up on M&M's during this most uncomfortable and trying time. But he is still male...and from time to time, despite my warnings of possible impending hormonal rage, he sticks his foot in his mouth and provokes the beast within me to rise up and roar. Wanting to get a better handle on why otherwise sweet, innocent females become weepy, angry beasts, he thought it best to get educated. Here is his account of the evening.

Me: So how did it go?
Keith: Oh...I was one of about 3 men in the whole place?
Me: Did you learn anything?
Keith: Yeah, I learned alot.
Me: Like what?
Keith: Did you know you can exercise while you are on your period? Exercise makes you feel lots better.
Me: Yeah, I knew that. Did you learn anything else?
Keith: Not really.

You think he's looking for a way out of those foot rubs? I'm guessin' next time the monthly visitor comes calling he will just say, "Hey, baby, you wanna go for a run? I'll see you when you get back. And by the way...I ate the M&M's."

He is so worth it!!!

Take a look at my guy and tell me if it wouldn't be worth it to you. These days I feel as if I never have time for anything. I begin my "daily grind" at 5:30 am, getting up to workout before leaving for the office. After spending the day crunching numbers, shuffling papers and trying to keep my boss happy, I come home, shuffle more papers, crunch more numbers, do laundry, occasionally cook dinner, crash and start all over again. Nothing unusual there...that's the story of most folks. Living the life of a wage earner through the week and then using the weekend to catch up on household chores, rest, socialize and otherwise restore some form of individuality to a work-worn soul.

Being in a long distance relationship changes all that. First comes the loss of time commuting. For me, that means I lose 6 waking hours every weekend to the interstate...3 hours each way. Surprisingly we have been doing this for over 2 years and we have spent very few weekends apart. I was shocked to realize that added up to over 700 hours driving time. There have been times when I go to Atlanta more often and other times Keith does more of the traveling. Then there are those times we go back and forth several times within a few days. All in all I guess it balances out to be fairly equal. Either way, that is a heck of alot of time behind the wheel.

The time together is incredible. We have the best time regardless of what we do. But the fact remains that someone is in "travel" mode...living from a suitcase and never being home. Right now, due to circumstances involving Morgan, I am doing most of the commuting. No complaints, just tired. This is when I get overly anxious for things to be settled...to be able to get married and get on with our life together. Being a family on the weekends then returning to solo-living through the week is challenging.

But this I know...God is in control. God has a plan. And God gave me this wonderful, loving, caring hunk of a man to make it worth the wait! So I'm here for the long haul...pun intended...because he is so worth it!!!