Friday, October 5, 2012

On Becoming A Hypochondriac



hy·po·chon·dri·ac/ˌhīpəˈkändrēˌak/
Noun: A person who is abnormally anxious about their health.



I think I am officially becoming a hypochondriac. You know, a little wacko. Every ache, pain and/or itch sends me down the I-think-the-cancer's-back trail of doom and gloom. In spite of all the lectures I give myself, the Negative Nellie (that bitch, otherwise known as Hypochondria) who's taken up permanent residence in my head won't shut up.

She fights. She pushes. She taunts me.

She is determined to steal my "happy".

I work hard to keep her from making herself visible to the rest of the world. So far I've been able to keep her locked up tight.

In my head.

Who knows how long it will be before she wins the war and I start talking in wicked, sick tongues.

Like I said.

I'm going crazy.

During the b.b.c. (before breast cancer) phase of my life, I was the sanest of the sane. Never the worrying type, I chose to dwell in the land of sunshine and roses. That place where magical unicorns live and everything gleams in hi-def, rainbow colors. Don't get me wrong, I didn't escape "Mommy worry". I just didn't worry about my own health. I took reasonably good care of myself. I rarely drank. I never smoked. My diet was on the good side of average (most of the time) and I worked out frequently. The idea that rogue cells would even think of roaming around in my body was non-existent.

To say I was shocked when diagnosed with cancer, much less aggressive Stage 3 cancer, would be an enormous understatement. And the hits didn't stop there. Within the first few weeks, if not the first few days, after the world stopped turning, I realized this was a life long sentence. Hopefully a really, really loooong life sentence.

Why am I destined to forever live with the "c" beast?

Because breast cancer can return. It can be a recurrence or it can metastasize to other areas of the body...most often the chest wall, bone, liver, brain or lungs. While I could elaborate on the differences and probabilities of either of these occurring, it would be easiest to direct you to BreastCancer.org. Anything you ever wanted and didn't want to know about breast cancer can be found there. For my purposes today, I just need you to know where it can return and where that leaves me.

So exactly where does that leave me?

It leaves me nowhere good.

That information was my one way ticket to the land of lunacy as well as forever tying me to that Be-atch I mentioned at the beginning of this post. My b.b.c. worry-free days are gone.

Forever.

Every time I ache, I immediately believe the demon is attacking my bones. Blurry eyes and dizziness means my brain now plays host to "c" cells. An annoying cough and suddenly my lungs are plagued with disease. Since allergies and side effects from my cancer-ain't-coming-back medication can cause every single one of these symptoms, my mind is constantly filled with chatter that vacillates between crazy talk and semi-normal nothingness. It is never ending. And it is a total pain!

Trust that I am well aware the label of Crazy Lady isn't "the worst that could happen to me". But it is "the worst that could happen to me" that has turned me into the Crazy Lady.

So I pray for the best.

I rely on my faith.

And I trust that even should the worst happen, God is in control.



19 comments:

  1. You describe us all at times, you are so funny.

    Your a gift Lisa, God won't let you leave us, not just yet.

    A fan.

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    1. Glad to know I don't live alone in Crazy Town. :-)

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  2. What a wonderful post and so very true....as I have called it in the past....The Crazy Lady Syndrome!
    Yes, each strange little ache or pain....the fear in the back of your mind...could it be this, or could it be that! I get angry at the moments that it steals from us!!! But just as you said...taking it one day at a time, having a strong faith and remembering that God is in control is the best medicine!!!

    Love you sweet friend, you remain in my prayers always!!!!

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    1. Too bad we both understand "stolen moments". But I say we embrace The Crazy Lady Syndrome and make it fashionable. LOL!

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  3. Hi Lisa. Just wanted to let you know that you are inspiring and your words are thought provoking. I pray for continued strength for you and thank you for the message you're putting out in blogland so that others can be touched and inspired.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I truly appreciate all your support and prayers. I've always said prayers are the greatest gift we can give one another. For yours, I'm greatly appreciative!

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  4. Lisa I do feel for you. I am 34 yr post breast cancer and it still scares the crap out of me if I have an unusually pain or feeling in my body. I don't want to discourage you in anyway......but I don't think one ever gets over that feeling. Keep your Faith and your Chin up!!!!!! (((((HUGS))))) to you!

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    1. You know Wanda, I kinda thought the fears would forever be part of my life. But Faith is stronger than any fear. I just have to work to keep my eyes turned toward Heaven and all is good. Keeping you in my prayers warrior sister!!!

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  5. Thinking about you Lisa. I would be the same way. Cancer scares everyone. Jackie had prostate cancer almost 3 years ago. He didn't have to have treatments,but surgery. Praying that you will get some peace. Hugs and bunches of them. Love you.

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    1. Does Jackie still have scans? I hate to say this but I know nothing, well, very little, about prostate cancer. I appreciate your prayers. Peace comes from above...something I've come to learn and rely on. Love you too!!!

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  6. Sometimes...most times we just have to rely on our faith and pray. You are always in my continued prayers.

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    1. Thanks sweet girl! Your prayers mean so much! :-)

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  7. Lisa, I definately do not think that it makes you look crazy, only vigilant! It is very understandable to feel that way after what you had to go through.. You always take care of yourself and it shows!! You just keep it up, and enjoy life. And your family and friends will keep you in their prayers! I know I will, and also be there for you if you ever need me! Love you Sweet Friend!!!

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    1. Thank you Joe! I know you are there/here for me. Hope you know the same is true in reverse. You know...like I'm there for you too! :-)

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    2. I felt like you would be, but now I know! :-)

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  8. Oh Lisa! What you describe isn't crazy at all...it's nayural! Some people are like that when they haven't beaten the beast or even had a brush with it! I think you are totally justified & you continue to amaze me with you realism & stoic attitude! You are an inspiration & always in my prayers & thoughts! Stay vigilant & keep counting your blessings! Love & {{Hugs}} Sandi xx

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    1. Thanks Sandi! I appreciate your reassurance that I'm not crazy. But I gotta tell ya, I was already a little on the crazy side. Cancer just pushed me over the edge. LOL! In all seriousness, I do thank you for helping me see that my fears are justified. xoxo

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  9. I'm so glad you're back to blogging..hopefully if for no other reason to use your "outside" voice and have feedback that you are NOT crazy!! Love you girl!

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    1. Hey there Ms. Awesomeness! It is nice to be blogging again! Thanks for stopping by. I am working my way through my blog list and should be paying you a visit soon. Love you back!

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