Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Scans

I missed it.

Yesterday was supposed to be my big day... my day to launch project Breast Cancer Awareness. And I missed it. However, sometimes missed opportunities are nothing more than life offering you a better opportunity.

You see, the post I had planned for yesterday was a generic, "Welcome To My Mission", mission statement. Nothing exciting. Nothing engaging. Basically...nothing to write home about (pun intended).

Today...well, today I realized I have the perfect story to set the stage for what's to come. Today I am scheduled to have a scan at 2:30. Given most everyone's journey through this hell called cancer begins with a scan of some sort, what better subject to consider than scans.


Via

Just over 2 years ago, I found something that set off deafening alarm bells. I found a mass. If I'm being honest and overly graphic, I should share that I found a HUGE mass. One that seemed to literally pop up overnight. It was so abnormally massive, I went to the doctor the next morning, panicked but also believing there was a reasonable explanation.  The first order of business was to conduct an ultrasound, which is basically a scan of sorts, then move on to a biopsy followed by the painful, agonizing, yet-still-hopeful-it's-nothing stage of waiting. Obviously, hope failed me and I was told I had cancer.

That is when it all began. Scan after scan was ordered in an attempt to determine how many advances the enemy had made throughout my body that was now considered a battleground. Without an assessment of what ground had been overtaken by the "c" creature, there would be no way to map a plan of attack, especially one that left me standing at the end of the war.

So began a process of this, that and the other. I was injected with "this", had to drink "that" and popped pills I shall refer to as the "other". Injections of tracers were "this". Gunky, chalky liquid that caused my gag reflex to go into overdrive was "that". Fortunately, I only had to choke down 3 bottles of "nasty" one time. But the injections of "stuff" were numerous. I often joked how my veins housed enough radioactive tracers to allow me to serve as stand-in holiday lights for the upcoming Christmas season. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I "glowed" enough to put the Griswolds to shame.

(If you are too young to know who the Griswolds are, I suggest you Google it. Then rent the movie. While it "ain't" no JackAss The Movie, I promise you will laugh. And those of you, like me, who are more mature in age? I suggest you just ignore the reference to JackAss the Movie. It really is as bad as the name implies.)

By the way, the "other" I mentioned? The "other" is also known as Ativan. We became friendly fast. My new found friend became the crutch I leaned on as it was the only thing that got me through the claustrophobic nightmare that is an MRI. It also became the muzzle that shushed the "F" bombs that kept working their way to the surface and popping out of my mouth. I even dropped a few in front of my mother, for gosh's sake! Try as I might to twist my thoughts into a nicer, more-appropriate-for-my-mama word, F*CK was the only word my lips would let pass. So I relied on the "other". Within seconds of swallowing that most coveted white pill, I found my happy place and the world went back to revolving on its axis.

And the "F" bombs were diffused.

Time went on and my year long treatment came along for the ride. With it came more scans than I can remember. They were so numerous they became second nature. A new normal took over my world and I went about the business of fighting the fight. Scans were so commonplace, I eventually forgot the apprehension and gut wrenching fear felt as I waited for results. I even broke up with the "other". I no longer needed him. As much as I loved our relationship, I wasn't in it for the long haul. Basically, I was using the "other" to get what I wanted then I planned to dump him. Judge me if you wish.

I am now one year post treatment and life has gone back to the way it was...as much as it can. I still have check ups. I still require tests to ensure that wicked monster hasn't found a way to resurrect itself. And I'm back to feeling all the angst that accompanies the what if's...the worries...the waiting during and after each scan. Even the what-seems-like-long-yet-are-relatively-short stretches of time between these tests holds a flicker of fear. I'm always wondering if a storm is brewing in the distance. If a battle is being waged. It wouldn't even be a stretch to say I am on high alert for another surprise attack.

Cancer does that to you.

It robs you of your sense of security.

Life does return to normal. But it will never be the same...

28 comments:

  1. I always enjoy reading your Blog, I do not always like the subject though! But I know it is part of life and needs to be said. But you are also part of my life and I want to keep it that way. I just have to wipe my eyes and hold back the tears as I read. I'm pretty used to that though, as you are such an incredibly talented writer. So I say scan and test away, because I need your friendship. And I hope that does not sound selfish, as I know that there many, many more that feel the same as I do. And if there is anything I can ever do, I hope you know that I will always be here. I love you Lisa Terry Howard!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you too, dearest friend! Thanks for always being in my corner.

      Delete
  2. Before I think of something witty and slick I wanted to make sure I told you good luck and my prayers are with you this afternoon.

    Other than that...you still glow, just not with U238.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your prayers...and your witty comment. :-)

      Delete
    2. You don’t need scans, what you need is a nice guy about 6’2, 215, salt and pepper hair and not too much money….grounded. Someone who may be a little wordy, but who’s hearts in the right place. Someone who just got his medical degree and has a coupon for a free examination! (Hopefully from NY since they have good bedside manner).
      I know this man….I can fix you up.

      That said, your blog is an inspiration, your writing is first rate and your message is nothing short of essential.

      “ I shall pass through this life but once. Therefore any goodness I can show or any kindness I can do, let me do it now Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall never pass this way again.”

      ~Etienne de Grellet

      Pass on what you know, have experienced and can offer.

      ~~Write~~

      Delete
  3. Good Luck girl. Wolf!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello Beautiful,
    This is a lovely recount of your most recent adventure, and, I see that you are kicking it back big time!
    You are a light and your optimism is what I will share with my BIL that was diagnosed with Lung Cancer just two weeks ago. Actually, at this very moment he is having the biopsy to map out his next steps. I will share your journey with him, you are a brave warrior and so full of inspiration and balls that it can be nothing other than inspiring!
    So glad that this blog world brought me to you and wish you all the magic the universe has to offer!!
    Big Big {{hugs}} Nerina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest Nerina, I am so sorry to hear of your BIL's run-in with Lung Cancer. I only wish I had something positive to say but truthfully, cancer sucks. That said, it does allow for some positives to come into your life. All the cliches of "living bigger and better" are actually true. In spite of the fear, worry and overall sh*t that comes with a diagnosis, humility, growth and a form of peace (contradictory, I know) is there for the taking. Please know I will keep your BIL in my prayers. Thank you for your words of encouragement. While we have never met IRL, I consider you a valued friend. You are always there with a kind and supportive word. Big hugs back to you! -L

      Delete
  5. I'm in awe of you and find inspiration and comfort in your words. I also hate that we have this "demon" in common. Praying for a short wait time and clean results and as always sending you much love and prayers my sister Warrior!!!!
    Leslie Young

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I hate this shared "demon" too. But you were my inspiration for kicking it in the balls. LOL! You are one strong fighter! Thanks for your prayers...you always have mine. Love you!

      Delete
  6. Best of luck as you soar through this...

    ReplyDelete
  7. As always, inspirational & thought provoking words! Keeping everything crossed for good results from this afternoons scan. Keep being you! {{hugs}} :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sandi! I always appreciate your ever present support! {hugs} to you too!

      Delete
  8. Hi Lisa,
    First off, I sending out many prayers for you scan. And hope the news is all good..

    Your blog above brings back memories of our conversations and discussions during that initial time. That time taught me much about the disease. More so, it taught me what type of person it takes to fight and beat this ugly disease! Your stength and determination , along with the power of God carried you through that time! I am a better person as a result of you coming into my life...

    As we have said before GOD IS GOOD!

    TP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, TP, God IS good! I've said it before and I will say it again, you have been an amazing friend throughout this journey. All you messages, prayers, e-cards, visits...all were so appreciated. I thank God for you and your friendship!

      Delete
  9. Praying for good news after the scan.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lisa you are Awesome! You have already been such a blessing and inspiration to me by your blog. I am a 34 yr breast cancer survivor and ohhhhhhhhh how well I remember those times when I was so sick I could not raise my head. Keeping you in my daily prayers that God will keep his arms wrapped around you good and tight. Keep that Head held high and that Faith strong!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Wanda! And WOW! 34 years!!!! How awesome is that! Funny thing though, I don't think we ever stop counting how long its been, huh? Even at 34 years. Thanks for your prayers and support. You will be in mine. And trust I am working hard to follow in your footsteps and be a long term survivor!!!

      Delete
  11. I can't tell you how glad i am that you are sharing your story. It is amazing and your honesty is much appreciated. Also, i feel really sorry for people who don't know who "The Griswolds" are....i mean really!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep...hard to believe but I think there are a few who have been living under a rock and missed all things "Griswold". Thanks for always supporting me. YOU are very much appreciated! {hugs}

      Delete
  12. Never saw the JackAss movie. Could barely stand to watch the trailer for it. Griswolds, on the other hand, rock. And so do you. Hope your scan went well the other day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never saw the entire movie. Just caught bits and pieces while my son watched. It definitely appeals to teen-aged boys...well, most "boys" in general. All preliminary reports from my scan were good but the official report is yet to come. Hope you had a blast in Vegas!

      Delete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lisa, hope the results from the scan come back clear!! Your new normal is inspiring in so many ways...and there is one thing that cancer can't take away from you- your sense of humor!!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.