Monday, April 6, 2009

Taming "The Girls"

I've written about (and let's not forget photographed) fat feet, revealed ugly hygiene issues and prattled on about marathon pee sessions. Today, we will be discussing "The Girls". Yes, ladies, today is the day we talk BOOBS! Why, you ask? The smarty pants in me wants to respond, why not! But there is actually a reason. It all started innocently enough with my last post. As many of you guessed or suggested, my last post is the beginning of a layout I've had in my head for a while. Rather than try to remember all these random thoughts when I can actually find the time to scrap them, I decided to post them here. And random thoughts they were. It wasn't until I read your comments that I realized I had listed the little bit about plastic surgery. And of course, you have to be certain there would be an interesting story to go along with that thought. So kick back, put your feet up and we will begin our tale.

Once upon a time, there lived a girl who was not only obsessed with her funny looking feet, but she had other...bigger...issues. She was blessed with what so many women relinquished family treasures to acquire...a nice ample bosom! Now there could have been a time when she would have seen this as a gift and not a curse. But when you are blossoming as others are budding...well, let's just say the young lassie began to wonder if an evil wicked witch had it in for her. Friend and foe alike brought constant attention to her abnormality. Amid pointed fingers and whispers, the girl suffered in silence as she had no clue as to how to break the curse.

Time passed and the girl became a young lady. Others reached the stage of being fully developed and she no longer found herself to be as unique as she had in her adolescent years. But it was still obvious that she was more than abundantly blessed. One particularly happy day, she found herself realizing her dream of being a mommy. She was settling in at home with her brand new bundle of joy when she stepped in front of her mirror, mirror on the wall and gasped in horror. The evil wicked witch had cursed her yet again. Just as Cinderella's fairy godmother had turned a pumpkin into a carriage, this girl's evil wicked enemy had transformed her large breasts into enormous watermelons. Tears streaked her face as she realized she would be doomed for all eternity. No Prince Charming could rescue her...she only had a precious baby boy to love, one who would find nourishment from the ridiculously overgrown milk bags.

More time passed and a second little one entered her life. For reasons unknown to the now young woman, the wicked witch backed off. As her wee little loves began to grow into precious toddlers, her super-sized chest began to shrink. She thought she had finally found happily ever after!

Happy endings can sometimes have a short shelf life and this would be the case in our story. Mr. Not-So-Prince-Charming ran off with another beautiful princess. And Father time, along with grumpy old Gravity, had taken their toll on our heroine's...errrr...assets. Hoping to one day find her real Prince Charming, the girl was sad to realize the witch might actually have the last laugh...she may one day have to uncover these sagging uglies to her new knight in shining armour.

She thought and thought. Then the idea struck to enlist the help of the magicians called plastic surgeons. With their knives and potions she could return to the beautifully bosomed girl of her youth. Moments of sheer delight passed as she pondered her ability to once and for all tell that wicked witch to shove it! Having never shared her thoughts with another soul, she was ready to confide in her dearest friend, Nurse Karen. Being the ever faithful friend, Nurse Karen felt it her obligation to inform the flopsy bosomed lady of the secret techniques used by the magicians when wielding their reconstructive magic. What the lady heard that day caused her heart to stop and a bone-chilling fear to take hold of her entire being. It was at that moment she made peace with the evil wicked witch and chose to create a different kind of happily ever after.

So now you know the story behind my consideration of plastic surgery. Yes, I am the girl in the story. Oh...what was the secret that caused me to recoil in fear? Truth or not, all I needed to hear was that the surgery begins by Cutting. Off. My. Nipples. OUCH! And DOUBLE OUCH!!! Now, each and every morning, I smile as I corral my breasts from their sans-bra state of dangling at my waist and hiding under my arms to be lovingly tucked inside their harness. I smile because I know that despite whatever that wicked witch had in mind, she would NEVER get me to chop off my nee-nee's!

29 comments:

  1. haha! I didn't even know what I was drinking at the time. I was at a totally different table than the hubby and his friend and the waiter brought it over and said it was for me and then the hubby's friends all started toasting me from their table and telling me to down it! What the heck I did, it didn't taste good but I sure as heck felt better a little while later. who knew!

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  2. double ouch is right!!
    and we thought mammo's were painful, right? it's down right so not funny what time and gravity does to our bodies. i'm like you though...i'll just roll with it.

    i did love your list. i think i could answer yes to all of them. they will definitely make for a great layout.

    i hope you are having a great Monday.
    Sandra

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  3. Um I'm in that no way club too.

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  4. Oh Dear, keep them in the harness!!! I would not know what that was like, no major girls here, but a friend of mine just went through the surgery, and yes ouch......but she is so very happy that she did do it!!!! You are one heck of a story teller!!!! Miss you!!! Call me!!!!

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  5. girl, thanks for the laugh, i needed it. i'd never get a boob job either.

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  6. I love your writing. Always a giggle and something to think about :)

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  7. Once again you started my day off with a great laugh! You are an amazing writer and I always look forward to your posts!

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  8. You are hilarious! I enjoy your blog so much...you should quit your job and become a freelance writer :)

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  9. OMW you are all a girl needs to perk her up. I was actually telling my hubby about you the other day how sweet and funny you are.I swear I tell you this everytime but you make me smile. My tah tahs are naddas even after 3 kiddies and I really don't like them not prettys but I could never do the plastic surgery thing either. Love reading your blog!Have a wonderful day!!

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  10. haha Lisa, you did it again, I'm still laughing. I swear I've never known anyone who can entertain me with written words as you do! And... I can totally relate to your story, from the watermelon part after my babies were born (I have some very frightening pictures of me breast-feeding to prove this, but I'll spare you...)to the needing to tuck them in a harness (I love how you added the "lovingly" LOL). Keep writing these stories Lisa, you're wonderful!
    xxx Peggy

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  11. Lisa, you are so funny!! I know I am going to have the same issue - sagging has already started as a matter of fact! :)

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  12. OMG...I didn't realize that taking a break from doing my taxes would make me almost pee my pants!
    Having kids is great, but they sure wreak havoc on your body!

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  13. LOL, thank GOD for "harnesses"!!

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  14. Haha...Mom you're crazy!

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  16. After breastfeeding for a total of 3 1/2 years out of a 5 year period, I know exactly where you're coming from!! This story made me laugh so much I had to 'clench' double time!! Wish I'd been more vigilant with my pelvic floor exercises - but that's a subject for another story!!!

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  17. omg, you are so funny! nee nee's!
    my gf just had breast augmentation last week. I'm with you there. Any desire I had to have that done is LONG gone now. I'll stick with the hand I was dealt, small as it may be- we always want what we don't have right!
    And thank you so much for your sweet comments on my blog btw!! xOxO

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  18. That is quite a story!!!! LOVEEEEEEEEEEE it!!!!! Of course....I have never been "blessed" ....LOL...and my friends that are ....I'm like, "well, when we are both 90...at least mine won't be at my knees!!!!" LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

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  19. Lisa- love your story. and I call mine "socks with oranges" but I have to tell you I worked for a plastic surgeon (i wish i did now and not back then before my kids) but it's really not all that bad, and I saw some amazing results. If i could afford it, I would do it tomorrow!!! Away with the oranges!!! I want perky, standing at attention even when laying down, boobs!!!

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  20. Lisa to an extent I can totally sympathize with you!! I've always been the one out of my group of friends with the largest ta-ta's, and I hated it. And now they are down there with yours!!! I had heard a story about someone who had the surgery, got an infected nipple and it fell off!! After surgery. And she had to have it put back on!! Thats enough reason for me.
    You have a wonderful knack of telling a story, I thoroughly enjoyed it!! Glad you made peace with that evil witch :)

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  21. Oh Lisa-what a storyteller you are!!!!! I've never "had" to consider plastic surgery on that end-but a tummy tuck is a definite thing to ponder-I always wonder-do I tuck the muffin top in, or do I hang it over my jeans?????
    Thanks for your sweet comments:)

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  22. Wow...you can tell a story Lisa. I'd have to say that growing up Ive had my own self esteem issues. And I can relate with developing a lot sooner than the other little girls did...esp when you are two feet taller than them and almost as tall as your fifth grade teacher! But im glad you found love in your look and didnt go under the knife. :) PS by your profile picture and your other pictures...I think your a beautiful woman.

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  23. You are hysterical...I told you we have alot in common and those are on the list!!! I remember holding my arms over my chest because I was developing in the 4th grade!! and so embassased!!I'm the opposite ....I would be happy to chop them off and not worry about them anymore!!

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  24. I am so glad I found your blog today. I needed a good almost peed my pants sorta laugh!

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  25. You are too funny! Alas I had the opposite problem. I've always wondered which was worse, to have or to have not? Thanks for sharing your side of the story!! Love your writing!

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