It is time for a new year...a new beginning. Yes, I know it isn't exactly January 1st, nor is it any monumental day that would typically mark a new year...a birthday, anniversary, etc. But I'm choosing to make today MY new year. To make this my new beginning and create a fresh start.
I've recently written of difficult decisions I've been facing and how there seems to be no good solution to any of them. Heartache, frustration and fear played a roll regardless of which solution I chose. I've wrestled with these decisions for months now. Although in my heart of hearts I knew the answers, I didn't want to go there knowing what it would require of me to push through the outcome. But I've been getting there little by little. During the trying times in my life, I've found that if I forge ahead, even when it feels there is no end in sight, eventually, things start to fall into place. And it usually means hitting rock bottom before I can begin the slow and steady climb back "up".
The past few weeks have marked the beginning of the climb. I feel lighter and more at peace with the decisions I've made and I'm looking ahead with optimism and even a little excitement. Today I heard a song that seems to encompass what I've been feeling. It spoke to me in so many ways. The song is "One Day You Will" by Lady Antebellum. Here are some of the lyrics:
You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will
I've eluded to the struggles Keith and I have been facing and it appears there is no solution to our problems. As I stated in my last post we are no longer engaged. Letting go is never easy, even if you know it is the right thing. It was a long, hard road coming to the conclusion that things are not meant to be, but I'm coming to terms with it. Due to this and all the health issues of late, I had been feeling as if I was "slippin' through the cracks"...wondering if the disappointments in my life would ever lead me to a brighter tomorrow. Since my divorce I've also felt like an alien in my own hometown. Family and friends that I had always known were no longer accessible in the same way. Having spent the last 3 years commuting to and from Atlanta didn't help my cause. It's difficult to foster friendships when you are not around to do so.
But lately I have been finding my silver lining to the dark clouds that have been hanging overhead. Attending the wedding of my "ex" nephew a few weeks ago opened the door to reconnecting with "ex" family. As you know, family dynamics can get really complicated during a divorce and we held true to the tradition and did not escape those complications. However, when I went to the wedding I was welcomed with open arms. It felt as if I had somehow come home. The family and friends I had known and loved for 20 years were there waiting for me with a true geniune desire to welcome me home. I have tears rolling down my face as I type this because I never knew how much I missed everyone.
I have long since come to terms with the break up of my marriage, but I don't think I ever resolved the feelings of losing my "other" family. Now...I have them back. Although it will never be the same, I have new hope that brighter days are ahead and I don't have to trudge through the dark times alone any more. And as the song says, I believe I will find love, I'll find peace and the me I'm meant to be...one day I will.
So here's to new beginnings...to brighter days ahead...to the beautiful silver lining in every dark cloud.
P.S. I've started my new blog. Anyone interested in reading please email me for the link. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Be warned...it is raw, honest, and not for everyone. It is nothing more than my journey as a single girl...a narrative of what it's like on this side of the fence.